Troubled teenager
Definitely Juvenilia!!
Published
Topic
Prose
A teenage piece — I found this, among my old papers, no recollection of writing it, but it's dated, so must have been when I was in the Sixth form at Beckenham Grammar School for Girls! Maybe it was part of something our teacher suggested we write —I do not think it's autobiographical — well, let's hope not. I find it psychologically interesting!
And here's the accompanying "poem":
A sixteen-tear -old
won't talk
just sit
can't write
shan't do anything
just wait
don't think
can't smile
won't say anything
sit still
don't move
won't think
can't do anything
Passage from longer piece, written aged about 16/17 years old
Her life lapsed into a sort of coma. She was dreaming about nothing — she longed for interest in her work, but how could there be any if she did not try to look for it? After coming home from school, she ate big meals, turned the fire on and sat watching TV, or reading some stupid advert or pamphlet. She let time slip by, half did her homework, which took twice as long as it should because she had no interest. She came to adopt a sulky, affected manner towards her parents, teachers, anybody. She stayed awake at nights, thinking out what was lacking in her life, sobbing in her weariness : why was it all so dull, why was she so fed up? She thought up ways of finding interest: doing her work, go out more, meet people — and all the time she would relapse, she couldn't care. Her parents and herself angry at her sullen attitude, the whole time she found herself lying, pretending to do things she should have done; she found herself thinking the whole time that at all costs she must stop her mother finding out stupid petty things that did not really matter. Was it her mother she was deceiving, her teachers, herself?? Where was the willpower, her strength, why all the moods of depression, the times when she could hate herself. What was it all? Just a stage, would she grow out of it — grow up? Things, like going to bed, became the only warmth, the paradise when she could take refuge in dreams, forget everything in drowsiness and unreality. Tomorrow she would start again.
Comment in 2026: Interesting!! Glad I'm not in that stage now!!