Mid-life

Oh this is certainly a crisis
the whole system has to be re-examined
and thoroughly, honestly.
Words like ‘compromising' and ‘adjusting' do not seem to apply
This is deeper
leads back to my childhood expectations
harks back to unworded memories
grief and rejection.

But now I find a sureness in myself
a joyful certainty that I am good
am an energetic ongoing;
My words cannot contain the myriad colours
of my perception of reality

but I trust them somehow
they'Il manage to express
the periphery of my experience
even though never capturing the
heart, the essence.

The way I find now
is all to do with understanding
what's going on in me.
Not you; that’ll come later.
It means concentrated quiet listening
as if in a dark woodland place
how does the wind move
how does the air murmur
what rustles and patters
and what does it all mean?

For many years I have let you be
my judge and my accuser.
I resented the trial
Deeply resented the complaints.
Half managing to assert my own validity
What could I do with your derision?
You the destroyer, my Satan.
Telling me negatives about myself
all the aspects that did not please you or conform with your hopes and desires.

I have learnt courage now.
Found I could dare to say: no you in my life
if that you was my destroyer.

Then the air was freedom
I began a new dance
slowly, slowly comprehending
how my words emerge out of my layered history
bearing a rhythım and a harmony that I hear
as no one else does;
slowly gradually realising
that my words become something different when you hear them,
also that your words emerge out of you
ultimate stranger
and are never how I know them.

The heart of the matter:
I know I love you and I understand
what I mean by these words.
I find the content changes with the years
I learn my boundaries
and state myself.